How can separating parents best protect their children?

When parents separate it is always a difficult process to navigate, and it can be hard to protect children from the emotional impact.

Val Shaw, Vincents Family Law specialist and a member of the UK Children Panel, explains what measures separating parents can take to help their children.

When splitting up with a partner, parents will be caught up in their own emotional turmoil. Sometimes, they can fail to see how their actions might impact upon their children, despite wanting the best for them.

It is such a difficult process and usually a new situation for each parent. It is of course very difficult to explain matters to young children, and even older children will find the situation discomforting and difficult

At Vincents we work with families every day to guide them through the process, with the aim of resolving matters fairly for parents and with minimal damage to the children.

Our practice has Resolution-accredited specialists who, as part of their panel membership, seek to mediate solutions wherever possible and to avoid acrimonious proceedings.

Supporting and encouraging families to put the best interests of children first is a central aspect of the Resolution code of practice that we follow.

Here are some pointers for parents which could help provide a framework for discussions between them:

• Children are likely to need reassurance throughout the process because children can often blame themselves when their parents separate.
  Make sure they know they are not the cause of the split, and that both parents will continue to love them equally.
• It is important that children feel comfortable to ask questions and be able to express their worries and emotions, without fear of upsetting either of their parents.
  Creating this space for them can be hard in the midst of your own emotional upheaval, but it is worth the effort for their sake.
• Parents should provide clear and age-appropriate information to the children about the separation and how it will impact on their lives.
  There will be practical implications, for example, and high emotions in the future if a parent re-marries for example.
• Children should be shielded from adult information and from witnessing parental arguments or negative remarks.
  They don’t need to know the details if there has been an affair or addiction problems for example, they just need to be reassured that the change is for the best for the whole family.
• As time is likely to be spent between two households going forward, children ideally need consistency in terms of routine and expectations in each household.
  Maintaining a consistent bed time, for example, or ensuring they’re still able to attend their clubs and activities in the same way as before.
• It is crucial parents avoid the temptation to pressure children to choose between them, or use youngsters as messengers, creating feelings of loyalty / disloyalty and guilt in the children who are then being brought into the conflict.

None of the above will be easy, but there is support available through your family law solicitor. We can link parents to mediation therapies, support groups and parenting programmes, or there are simple books and apps which parents could use to help navigate this difficult time.

For example, we can provide a specially-written children’s book, authored by a solicitor who has worked with families for many years, explaining the process in very simple terms, it’s called Milo’s parents separate by Caroline Pearcy.

We can guide families to a Resolution publication called Parenting Through Separation.

There are also various co-parenting apps that can help separated parents to manage their communications, for example: Our Family Wizard, AppClose, 2Houses, Cozi and Talking Parents.

For more information and support please contact Val Shaw, Head of Private Law Children and Public Law Childcare Department, on 01772 555 176 or valshaw@vslaw.co.uk